Do some of these snacks need to just stay in the past? You decide.

I’m not going to dress this intro up, this article is quite literally about 5 classic snacks that have been lost in the sands of time. “What does it mean for something to be lost in the sands of time?” you squeal at your computer screen. It means that, like so many other things I deeply loved (pagers, Polly Pocket, Melissa Joan Hart) – the forward motion of time has ripped these snacks out of our hungry little hands, and thrown them into exile, or into RANDOM convenience stores. Buckle up, I’m about to make you hungry for something you forgot you loved to eat, and then I’m going to make you angry that these stupid snacks are so hard to find.

5. Buttons

Remember this bullshit snack? It’s one of those things that you love in theory, but in practice you’re eating a .5 by .5 centimetre circular piece of condensed sugar. NOT satisfying, but you know what? They were colourful, and for that, they get full points, and are sincerely missed. WHERE ARE YOU, BUTTONS?

4. Pull n’ Peel

Ok, this is my favourite snack of all time, and it is very much still around. What I find with Pull N’ Peel though, is that they are only carried at selective convenience stores, (which is catastrophic when you’re in a pinch). My advice is to familiarize yourself with your local convenience stores to see where Pull N’ Peel are located near you, and if you REALLY want to commit to this long lost snack, let me inform you that they now have LOW FAT PULL N’ PEEL. Is that not hilarious? Like someone took time to develop that… we don’t need that! I’d like to start a low key petition to get the person who developed low fat Pull N’ Peel to change careers and use their brain for cancer research or something else this world actually needs.

3. Dunkaroos

I know, I know, this one is super obvious. I just had to include it incase some freak reading this truly forgot about Dunkaroos, and this was the piece of literature that reminded them. It’s like an insurance policy. Your welcome, freak who forgot about Dunkaroos and your welcome Dunkaroos, for making sure no one forgets about you. Btw, these really aren’t all that hard to find.

2. Fun Dip

Fun Dip is honestly a criminal snack. If given to the wrong child (or adult), it could yield catatonic results. If you stumble upon this treat (which is a rare occurrence — I’ve noticed that I haven’t seen Fun Dip in a while and I can’t help but wonder if it has something to do with the all encompassing phase society is going through wherein people actually care about what we put into our bodies, and perhaps someone of this mindset happened to notice that Fun Dip is a lethal amount of sugar in a packet with what I can only imagine has no expiration date…but I digress). Anyway, if you see Fun Dip, treat it like a can of Four Loko — understand it’s danger, but ingest it anyway (and maybe wear a diaper while you do).

1. Wax Bottles

I’m making this treat number one, because it is bonkers. Who the hell came up with this truly fucked up, sadistic, idea of a good time?… The twist? I LOVE THEM. I LOVE WAX BOTTLES. Lock me up! I don’t know if it’s versatility in the different flavoured chemical juices inside each bottle, or perhaps it’s something as simple as I never got a great enough sense of accomplishment in my childhood, and every wax bottle that I suck the colour out of and chew until it’s reduce into a small clump of flavourless wax is a tiny victory? Who knows, all I can say is, this is a DELICACY. Like a fine shark fin soup, except instead of sharks dying, you die a little inside at the end of each bottle, as this is an unsatisfying, stupid snack. I understand why this got reduced to alternative candy stores, it’s Darwinian. Watch Wax Bottles sue me for this confusing and deep review. This is why I use a pseudonym!

Categories: FOOD