Just when we ALL collectively concluded that the Gap commercial featuring Cher and Future singing the world’s strangest version of “Beautiful People” was already the most nonsensical piece of “art” released in 2017, DMX decides to shit on that delusion last minute, by dropping the most bitchin’ holiday jam of the century.

When I heard (earlier today) that DMX had covered Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer — my initial thought was…why? Don’t get me wrong, I am stoked as anyone that this exists, but aren’t you also kind of wondering, like, why he did this?

Once you listen to it (if you haven’t already) you’ll understand the confusion. It’s clearly not meant to be cute. Or festive. Or actually played seriously during the holidays. So…does he think it’s funny? Because I know it’s funny, but DOES HE know it’s funny?

Well, I did some very preliminary research (as in I Googled), this phenomenon. Turns out this isn’t the first time the prolific rapper has covered this jolly track — check out this impromptu performance of the very same classic jingle on a 2012 radio show. C’MON!

Ok, well that just solved everything for me. Clearly he covered it twice, because this is DMX’s favourite song in the world. Who else can (on demand) deliver a flawless acapella performance of Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer and make ZERO MISTAKES, while adding self-made percussion, on the fly? Wow, consider my words eaten. This makes perfect sense, no one else on planet earth is more qualified to cover this song. I will be playing it every Christmas until I’m dead. Thank you for this gift, DMX, the gift of authenticity, the gift of meaning, the gift of love. Feliz Navidad!