I’d like to start this off by saying that I am a normal woman! I have been single for a year and a half, and (like what I assume so many other people do) I decided to go on Bumble to “see what’s out there”.

Before I got Bumble, I scoped the scene. I asked poeple if it was weird to be on Bumble – and not only if it was weird, I wanted to know if it lowered my stock. I wondered if there was something pathetic about acknowledging to the world that “I’M LOOKING.”

Everyone said, “no Sam, this is the future, embrace it.”

Alright! Don’t have to tell me twice! I downloaded Bumble, and it didn’t work. But not for the reason I initially suspected (which is that I would feel like such a loser being on the site that I wouldn’t be able to navigate it without an existential sense of desperateness). I was off Bumble in 24 hours, and it wasn’t because of my fear of “putting myself out there”, it wasn’t because the guys on there were trash, it wasn’t because I was worried about seeing my ex-boyfriend on there, it was because. of. the. bios.

Listen, I understand coming up with a bio is hard. Any kind of small writing is hard. I’m shit at titles, captions, bios, and tweets. However, here’s what you do not have to include in your bio: some kind of game or points system wherein I have to “win” to be able to SWIPE RIGHT ON YOU.

“If you don’t work out, this probably won’t work out.”

“Must love dogs.”

“Points if you love the Leafs.”

“Fishing has first place in my heart, my Mom has second, looking for someone to fill third.”

“Oh… and if you like extreme sports, that helps.”

Ok, so I’m looking at these going: why are you acting like being in your life is this coveted position I’m trying to get to? Like, do you think that since I’m on this app I’m so desperate that I’m thinking, “Wait, I get points with this stranger if I love the Leafs??? QUICK, let me call my Dad and find out what that crazy fuck Babcock is up to now!!” And not to make this a gender thing, because I know men hate hearing about gender things, but do you think there is a chance in hell I would ever include in my bio, “Points if you keep up with the Kardashians!” LMAO NO! BECAUSE THAT IS NOT SOMETHING ANYONE SHOULD GET POINTS FOR! As a UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO ALUM, I have a lot of quotes in my arsenal from the great figures of history, so to quote Dr. King (out of context), shouldn’t we be judging others by the CONTENT OF THEIR CHARACTER, and not by if they love dogs, the leafs, or achieving the highly sought after position of THIRD PLACE IN YOUR HEART (after your Mom and a canine which depending on its age, is only going to live anywhere between 1-14 years anyway???)

Listen, maybe you’re just laying it all out there. I’m sure many men would prefer girls who love the Leafs, just like I would love it if I had a boyfriend that kept up with the Kardashians. I’m just saying, maybe don’t lead with that. Wait until I like you or something, then leverage that. Relationships are about compromises, but I’m not going to make compromises before I even meet you, you nutcase! For example, my ex-boyfriend was a lumberjack. I chose to LIKE TREES, after we were already in love. It’s not like he sent me a message before I even knew what his dick looked like saying, “Hey, points if you learn about lumberjacks!” — I’d be like, how about you climb up a tree and STAY THERE you hack!

Needless to say, I don’t think Bumble is for me. It was too much, too soon. I’ll be single forever before I put actual human effort into becoming third place in a stranger’s heart that I met on a dating app. And I know being on dating apps is normal, and doesn’t lower your stock, but striving to be the ideal of someone I’ve never met DOES lower my stock, in my own brain.

So I guess the upshot to this rant is, there were actually some good bio’s on Bumble, and I don’t want to discredit you champs — (there was one guy who’s bio was “RUIN ME”, and he was one of 2 people I swiped right on). But anyone who is letting me know how to get in their good books before I even know if they’re a GOOD PERSON, is like…delusional. Am I wrong? I’m on my period guys, I could just be angry for no reason.

VIVA LA BUMBLE FOR THE PEOPLE WHO CAN TOLERATE IT!