When did everyone start enjoying ice cream that looks like dirt anyways?

You know what’s funny? When we use the incorrect adjectives for certain inanimate objects. Like when you’re reading your horoscope and it goes, “Playful Saturn is welcoming a waxing moon! A new baby is on the horizon!” Last time I checked, there’s nothing “playful” about a GAS GIANT with an orbit of debris, but hey, whatever gets us through the night, you know?

Similarly, it’s funny when “food” gets the adjective of “hot” or “trendy”. Food is supposed to be delicious, or disgusting. Maybe you could get away with saying “colourful.” But describing food as hot or trendy as if it’s about to partake in a Zoolander-esque walk-off is… insane? Nonetheless, this is the world we live in, so buckle up while I remind you of “hot and trendy” foods that have been highlighted and treated like celebrities in this social age.

5. Bubble Tea

Starting off with a bang, because it took me YEARS to get someone to properly explain to me what the hell bubble tea is. For those of you unfamiliar with Taiwanese cuisine, bubble tea is like milk, juice, fruit, and tapioca in a drink. Honestly, that’s the best I can do. Maybe I still don’t really get what it is… it usually comes with a straw? Anyway, try walking 3 metres in Toronto without seeing a Bubble Tea sign. It’s CHAOTIC. Back in 2008, when I used to frequent Bar Mitzvahs, there used to be bubble tea stands at said gatherings. Mazel Tov, you’re a man, now drink this confusing drink.

4. Glamburgers

Back in my day, a burger was a burger, a movie cost 25 cents, and I walked uphill to school, both ways! But then, someone came along and introduced “Glamburgers” – a classy way to eat ground beef on a white bun. Basically, you take the concept of a hamburger (formally known as a grotesque fast food) and rebrand it, so that it’s now what sexy people eat with artisanal condiments (DIJON MUSTARD, aioli, a pickle from France!) Consumerism. At. Its. Finest.

3. Fro-Yo

Remember when the western world tricked everyone into thinking that if you had a frozen dairy product that was made of yogurt and sugar, instead of a frozen dairy product made of cream and sugar, you could be healthier and skinnier? Well, that was the fad of fro-yo. Healthier than ice cream, but you’re still eating a frozen dairy dessert, and if you actually wanted to lose weight or be healthier, maybe just stay away from that category all together. But hey! Who am I to judge? I love some frozen fruit void of all nutritional value mixed with sugar and milk – I DRANK THE KOOL-AID!

2. Kale

I feel like one day I woke up, and kale existed. Like, who the hell ate kale as a child? You ate lettuce and like, corn. Kale??? I don’t even think I knew the word kale until I was in second year university. I have a theory, and bear with me here…that everyone’s dietary issues are actually a result of eating kale. People added kale to their diets, and all of a sudden gluten bothers everyone more, red meats are bad, milk is ruining my gut health! No guys, it’s that kale makes you shit mercilessly. It’s not the gluten, it’s not the dairy, it’s that we are living in a world where people poison their bowels with kale, and then blame it on something else. I’m starting a reddit forum entitled “9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB AND KALE IS THE DEMISE OF HUMANITY.” They’ll call me a conspiracy theorist, but I’m pretty sure I’m correct on both counts.

1. Charcoal Ice Cream

Has everyone heard of charcoal ice cream? The ridiculously stupid ice cream that essentially looks like dirt? Let me explain: you know how we love charcoal in general these days? Charcoal face masks, charcoal toothpaste, charcoal detergent, charcoal pills? Well, now there’s charcoal ice cream which is basically just black ice cream. And upon further research, it appears the health claims are all bullshit and ingesting charcoal is legit actually kind of bad for you. Ya’ll been fooled. Also, I think if there was some sort of metrics system for what image I’ve seen most on my Instagram explore page in the last 7 months, it’s a hand, holding a charcoal ice cream cone, against a background of sorts, or wall. In case you were wondering, here are a million examples:

Categories: FOOD